Showing Up When Confidence Wanes

At a Glance:

• Losing confidence

• Getting it back

• Why this matters

“How do you sustain confidence and presence as a leader when there are big challenges and no clear path forward?” - Recent question from a CEO

I once had a startup that couldn’t find its path. My stress turned into a crippling back problem where I could barely walk. At the time, I thought it was from weightlifting. But my body knew. 

The issue, for my leadership and back, was being trapped between “failure isn’t an option” and actual failure. Unable to reconcile my identity as a “winner” with the truth in front of me, I was falling apart. Who was I if not that? Meaningless.  

Instead of showing up when my team needed me, I dissociated. I numbed and avoided. 

Regrounding in the Now 

Sometimes, the weight of fear can bury presence and focus. And we shut down or put on a mask of false confidence. 

How do I help leaders now? I reconnect them with their wise “inner CEO” by grounding them in their bodies, their stories, and their tribes. 

• Body: It starts with breathwork, meditation, running, or any other form of movement they choose to hit the somatic reset button. Personally, I like to jump around like an idiot for five minutes. The black belt version is if they can then move the emotion (usually fear) that’s holding them stuck. 

• Story: Then, we focus on how these myriad adventures and misadventures are part of a colorful, long life. We must get our head above the egoic water and feel challenges as the sandpaper of a good life—to be the story, not the binary measurement of self-worth. 

• Tribe: Finally, we can involve their team using an inspiring, real story that isn’t laced with angst. We need to feel less alone in the boat, and if people leave out of fear, those aren’t the best people for your boat (I learned this the hard way). 

Live the Questions

The path back to confidence is to immerse ourselves in the game. As NFL coach Pete Carroll said: 

“We want our players to be free of distractions and totally absorbed, ideally just like a child, fascinated with the game itself and not necessarily the outcome.”

Or Rilke’s famous poetic version:  

“Be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms or books written in a foreign tongue. Don’t seek the answers now, because you wouldn’t be able to live them yet. The point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing, live your way into the answer.”

Being in it is the best chance you have to find the answer, like how Minnesota came back in that game pictured above from 2022.

You may lose too. My company failed. I had a great time doing it, learned a bunch, and went on to other things. And my back cleared up the day I admitted that to my team. And now I can tell the story. Dust in the wind and all that…

Confidence is in the moment, not the outcome.

With love, 

Dave  

Being hard on yourself for results? Hit reply - I'd love to hear your story.

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